Moms Together Newsletter- February

February 11,2009

 

Lasting Love

 

Once upon a time a young woman, while sitting in her parent’s church one bright, summer morning, spotted a young man sitting on the other side of the sanctuary.  The young man appeared to be quite handsome and the young woman decided to do what she could to meet him.  Week after week she deliberately stood by his friends, walked past him, even tried to catch his eye during the sermon, but to no avail.  As the summer ended and the young woman still had not met the young man, she gave up hope and drove off to her final year in college.

God, however, had bigger plans for the young woman and the young man for at a Christian club bar-b-que the young woman spotted the young man again!  She took charge, went right up to the young man and introduced herself and well, the rest is history.  The two married a while later and the young woman believed that her dream had come true and that they would live “happily ever after”.  No one told the young woman that fairytales aren’t reality.

            When I married that young man from the above story, I really did believe that we would have a “happily ever after” life.  We both loved Jesus and desired to follow Him each day of our lives.  We enjoyed the same activities, our passion for each other hit the stratosphere, and we wanted the same things out of life.  Really, how could things go wrong?  But wrong they went.  Nine years into our marriage, I decided that I didn’t want to be married anymore.   I got a lawyer, sank into bitter behaviors, and wrongly assumed all would be well. 

              Ladies, I now know that I had fallen prey to three lies about marriage and myself.  These lies are rampant in our secular society, but they are also pervasive in the church.  When we believe the lies marriage is undermined and Satan dances.   I went into marriage believing in lie number one: my prince had come and we would live “happily ever after”.   What I had grown up with in the forms of stories, movies, and television was the image that problems do not exist in marriage.  Think Cinderella, Jannette Oak, and The Cosby Show.  Sure, Cinderella had a wicked step-mother, but she didn’t appear in the story after Cinderella’s foot fit the slipper.  Yes, “Love Comes Softly” began with a death and a young widow, but when Clark came, well, the world slowly turned around and Marty lived a dream pioneer life.  Mr. and Mrs. Huxtable fought, inevitably though one or the other would crack a joke and all would be good again.  We are not promised a happily ever after when we marry.   If the lie of “happily ever after” permeates your thinking, cast it out.  Originally man was created in a perfect world where that lie could have been a truth, however, sin entered the world when Eve took the bite and Adam failed to intervene.  Sin prevents a “happily ever after” but Satan continues to whisper it into our minds.

            The second lie I fell prey to was the “I deserve” lie.   As in all marriages, my husband and I didn’t, and still don’t, agree on all things.   Often times my husband’s thoughts and my thoughts didn’t coincide about different situations.  What made those situations bad, though, were that I took his dissent personally and began to believe that he wasn’t taking care of me.  I believed that “I deserved” to have or do whatever it was we were disagreeing on.  I thought “I deserved” to get my nails done once every three weeks.  I believed that “I deserved” to go out to lunch at nice places preferably once a week.  The false belief I held began to grow and its tendrils branched into fights that had nothing to do with “I deserve”, but I read them as that.   The poison that can spread with “I deserve” will rot away trust, love, and respect within a marriage.  If this is a struggle for any of you, please begin to analyze your thoughts.  Take the “I deserve” beliefs to the Lord and ask Him to define what you do and don’t deserve.  Think before you think.

The final lie I believed was the lie of expectations.  Let’s face it; we are naturally filled with expectations.  We go on trips expecting something.   When we purchase something, we often have expectations attached to that item.  The same is true in our marriages.  We expect our husbands to know what we are thinking, even when we don’t tell them.  We expect them to know how to relate to us in a situation that they’ve never faced, but we don’t tell them how to help us.   In my marriage, my unmet expectations piled up until I exploded in anger and hatred.   I believe that the only way to avoid this particular pitfall is to communicate our expectations, even and perhaps most importantly when they haven’t been met.  We are not mind-readers, yet often times we expect others to read our minds. 

I am very happy to say that my husband and I, the boy and girl from the beginning story, have been married for 13.5 years now.  It isn’t “happily ever after” though we’ve had more happy times than not.  I still fall into the “I deserve” trap, but now I trap that lie through the filter of scripture.  And, expectations?  They are still there, now, however, they are communicated before they can explode in anger.    Marriage is a two-way street and my husband and I have both worked very hard to put our marriage back on the right course. 

Ladies, I beseech you, don’t fall victim to Satan’s lies.  Marriage is hard.  Our husbands will not always match up to our dreams and expectations.  However, don’t be too quick to throw in the towel.   Call the church, find a counselor, email me I’d love to help.  Don’t throw away something that God has created to mirror our relationship with Him.

Take Home

1.       Read Colossians 3:12-14.  The Scripture says to clothe yourself with 5 things.  What are they and which one do you most need to clothe yourself with?  How can you do that practically every day?

 

2.       Verse 13 of Colossians 3 exhorts us to “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have with one another.”   Make a list of the things that you need to forgive your husband for.  When that is done, go to the Lord with each item and ask Him to help you forgive.  Express and ask forgiveness for your unforgiving attitude towards your husband. 

 

3.      After you have gone to the Lord, burn the list and verbally forgive your husband.  Begin to “bear with” him when hurts arise, forgive and don’t let unforgiveness pile up.

 

Kathy Hansen www.revealedministry.wordpress.com  writerkate7@gmail.com